*INSERT EMPTINESS HERE*

.....I feel like shit.
I've been seeing nightmares every night again.
I hate myself, my way of living, my thoughts, my body, my everything...
Just... I wish I could escape this all even for a while. I want to get away from me.

And I wish I could cry.
I feel like crying and I want to cry since it might help me let these feelings out of my head... But I can't. Tears just aren't coming and I hate it. I feel so empty at the moment...

Food. I want to eat. Lots and lots of junkfood.
Maybe it could fill me up for a while... Tho I'm fat so I can't do that. I would hate myself even more if I gained weight.
My head is a mess. It's always been and it still is.

Times like these I feel just completely worthless.
I know that there's some people who love me, but I can't help but to feel like this.
My guess it's just because of my depression getting worse once again... It's actually gotten so bad all of a sudden that I've even started thinking about suicide again. I wouldn't do it tho. Not now at least.

I just hate myself.
Despise myself.
Feel sick of what I am.

...and these feelings of nothingness and worthlessness are killing me.
I don't feel like smiling at all.
....I want to cry.

Someone... Anyone...
Could you notice me...?

*START HERE*

So this is the first post.
I created this blog because I felt insecure with my previous one... And this one's in english so my friends outside Finland will understand too. Plus using english here helps me to get better at it. I need to learn to talk proper english, since Ali will be coming over here at some point and she obviously doesn't speak finnish.

Oh and this blog will be about my thoughts. Even about the ones that I might not be able to say out loud.

Let's get started then, right? Today I've been feeling sad once again. I don't like myself at all and it's really depressing. Everything I do just seems stupid and worthless to me most of the time. I seem worthless and stupid to me.

Oh and I've been insecure about my role-playing skills too. I feel like I'm an awful rper... I don't stay in character and my writing's so middle-class. Sometimes it also seems like no one wants to rp with me... I don't know. I'm just so goddamn insecure.

After half a hour I should be leaving to work and I just don't feel like it. I don't want to meet anyone today, but since I'm a karaoke-host, it's impossible not to meet people at work. Fuck.

...Maybe I should get ready.
I'll write more later. See ya later, if I'm still alive after work, that is.